memorandum on being somewhere in the middle

October 11th, 2024

Hi friends. I'd like to try to tell you something I think is really important to me. See, I guess a lot of my life has been one long stretch of finding myself. I guess you'd say I finally feel like I've found a sort of solid ground. People feel insecure for a lot of reasons, you know? I felt insecure cause I was lonely. Lonely in a way that I think has colored every stretch of my life since the day I was born. I struggle with being close to people, I struggle to maintain friendships. I struggle. At some points, I've drifted into what one might call the involuntary celibate thing. Not that I hated women, but just that I could not socialize enough to like get to that level of closeness. I bring up incels because of the whole pink pilling thing. I guess to say I believe you can be so lonely that you experience real disconnect between your expected social role. There's a great video essay that touched on this and the manga Inside Mari, look into it. Every single intimate relationship I've ever had with another human being has been so profoundly wrong and fucked up and coercive and mean and god damn cruel, I guess you'd say I felt insecure in who I was. I guess things are better. I'm not saying I'm some heterosexual cisgender male, I don't reckon I am. I am just saying that I am now playing a role that I am happy with. I don't want to label it. A lot of people have given me a lot of advice on all this stuff. I think it's helped. I think that this period of like experimentation has been good but now I think I am good for now in this in-between state. If that changes, you'll hear from me! But, friends. I hope you don't hear another word from me. It's my life's goal to be happy, and if I can be happy exactly as I am today, I've got an obligation to follow that. Consider this me signing off for the last time. Maybe I'll update, maybe I won't. Remember this, friends: The world is infinitely malleable. Almost nothing you have done in your life cannot be reasoned with or atoned for or forgiven or changed. Let the stars cross, who needs them?

True as True Can Be

Molly