Queen of the Road
May 5th, 2024
Hi friends. It's me. I always feel like a little shameful that I don't update as much as I used to. I'll write as much as I can tonight. My hand has been cramping. Actually it kinda always cramps when I'm typing. I assume that the fact that I never really learned how to type properly probably doesn't help. So, I met with my old bassist. That's probably the biggest new thing. It was actually really nice. We went to some local music stores. There was a... uh massive local event going on right by her house, so we just stayed away as long as possible. I probably am partially doxxing myself by saying that. Whatever. But, we went and got food and that was the first time the whole situation came up. For the uninitiated, my ex girlfriend (probably, 90% positive) cheated on me with my bassist's other band's lead singer. Complicated, right? I may have actually never explained it that concisely. Everything is incredibly complicated, but I sorta wrote her off or was in the process of writing her off. Every time we made plans she'd cancel suddenly saying she was tired and needed to rest. I sorta assumed this was a "go fuck yourself, take a hint" message. I guess not? I'm still confused. She told me her other band's lead singer is kinda crazy and attracts other crazy, but that she thinks this whole thing will blow over. I don't know about that. He poached some of my gigs and stuff, too. Not that they were particularly good gigs, anyway. It just sucks to have an active enemy.
I thought I'd have more to say. I really don't. She reccomended me a little IPL laser gun thing that apparently worked really well on her face hair. She told me she hadn't shaved in 3 days. Fucking wild. She said she did it to all her body hair, too. Cheaper than the real thing, worth a shot I reckon. I'd like to get the hair off my back. That is the biggest pain. If it was just legs and arms, I could totally just like deal. In fact, I currently have it crazy patchy on the places that I don't really see when I'm wearing clothes. Trans women aren't exactly a demographic known for staring at themselves in the nude, I don't guess, and I'm no exception. I don't want to sort of need her, but I kinda do. I have nobody otherwise. Nobody in my boat within 40 minutes of my house, anyway. There's something about sitting in the same room with someone in a similar situation to you.
So I guess that's my life at the moment. Less hairy than I once was, hairier than I want to be. Once I get the face figured out, I will buy some makeup I reckon. There's this guy (twink) at work who does drag who I am debating asking for advice. I sorta vaguely implied I thought drag was interesting (lie), so the door is almost cracked. The handle is turned. I don't know. Loneliness is a motherfucker, huh? He seems nice, I probably shouldn't call random strangers twinks. Someone told me it was a slur once. Isn't that stupid? I'll call who I want a twink whenever I want. Anyways, thanks for listening.
Love,
Molly.
Tokyo Vice or How to Lie in Print
May 7th, 2024
Hey friends. I just wanted to write a little about this book I just finished. It's called Tokyo Vice by Jake Adelstein. It was pretty good, I guess. I really like journalism. At various points in my life, I could very broadly be considered a journalist. When I was 17, I was apparently a top candidate for a job as a radio news reporter. They lied to me about certain things during the interview because the owner's assisstant clearly didn't want me working there. Long story. But, I ended up befriending the person who actually got the job. I would help her write stories. Some stories I wrote almost all of. I have a tape somewhere recorded off the radio of a story about some local police brutality case a few years ago. I saw the police report and everything. Real top secret local stuff. That was really a passion of mine for a while. Still is, I guess. I just don't have any way to express it. Anyways, I digress, so yeah. The book was pretty good, but most of it was made up. A lot of it kinda portrays the author as this hyper badass backtalker. Saying shit to Yakuza's faces and all that. There was one part that really stood out, though. He talked about getting into an argument with his prostitute friend/source and then not being able to get ahold of her again. He'd sent her to like gather information about a Yakuza front. I assumed she'd like become part of the book again at some point, but at the end he reveals she was brutally murdered and it was completely his fault. It's fucking insane. Completely unremarkable book up until that point. Isn't that insane? If you're wondering if it's worth reading, probably not.
On a much nicer note, I read Slaughterhouse Five and finished it today as well. It was really really good obviously. There is a reason it's a classic. Lots of thoughts. I'll save them for another day. Talk soon? I can hear the trains outside my window. Sometimes I want to sit outside and wait for them.
True as Ever,
Molly
Playing Music
May 8th, 2024
Hey friends. Massive day. I don't even remember everything I did. I visited my friend. He's 79. It's weird being in a hobby that is almost all old people. I come to his store every few weeks and sit for 4 or 5 hours with him. There's something really simple about that. We talk about music. Pete Seeger, Joe and Eddie. He has missed every single major historical event you could possibly miss. He lived in San Francisco in 1967 and even visited Haight and Ashbury and never explored. He told me once he saw Bob Dylan and Joan Baez walking through Washington Square in 1964. He walked past the Cafe Wha? and never saw anyone play there. He's such a nice dude. I guess he's in some ways a father figure to me at times, as embarrasing as it is to admit on the internet. I've never had a role model, let alone a decent one, you know?
Show days are never really about the show, they're always about doing other stuff. Seeing my friend is one of the main things I do, but sometimes I just walk down the main street. The big city is an hour away, so I kinda relish in being so far from home. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. Today wasn't actually a gig day (though I did end up playing somewhere on a whim). I went up for this writers process group. Sadly, the main host guy wasn't there. His friend (Steve fucking Albini, by the way. Actually. No joke) died today, so he couldn't make it. The crowd was older than I am. late 30s up to mid 50s. They kinda annoyed me. Lots of buddhists, not that there's anything wrong with buddhism. There is something wrong with a lot of white buddhists who are in their 30s-40s. Lots of big fancy words for very basic feelings. If you feel something, just fucking say it. I'm rambling.
After the writer's group, I went to an open mic I usually go to on Wednesdays anyway. Not a good crowd. Nobody really listened til my last song. Whatever. I'm playing again tomorrow and then I have a week off. Thank god, I hate the long drives. Actually, I might not be going tomororow because my car has a nail in it. We will see. Can you tell I'm tired? I feel like I talk in a completely different tone of voice when I'm tired. I need to rest. Goodnight, friends. It's been fun talking to you again. Especially writing more than I have been. I've been doing more but also less at the same time. Much more reasonable amount of stuff.
Love,
Molly Whitesburg
Harvest Moon
May 15th, 2024
Hey friends. Long time no see. I kinda had some distracting experiences. I have this thing where I get super interested in a certain friend and sometimes I use them to distract myself from my own feelings. It's hard to explain and probably requires more thought. But I've seen them like every day or every other day and it makes me focus less on growing or working on what I need to work on. I gotta find a middle ground. They've got a trip coming up, so I guess that'll be my time to do that. It's just a complicated relationship. We sort of come in and out of eachother's lives, it feels like. What really kinda freaks me out is that I was almost okay masculine presenting. Makes me wonder if this is how I managed to bottle up my feelings in the first place after the first time I started exploring gender feelings. I cannot ignore these kind of things. I love this person, she is one of my best friends, but I cannot let my own stuff get on track just because I am lonely, you know?
Stuff has also just been busy in other ways, too. I've got some shows coming up. I met with a new guy who is playing some lead guitar for me. It sounds really good, but I was so scared he was going to like try to hurt me or something. I never really get paranoid like that. He was super cool though and I had no issues. He mentioned taking mushrooms. I've always kinda wanted to take mushrooms. Maybe one day. Like I said to him, though, I think you've gotta have a decently solid headspace for stuff like that, and I absolutely do not. So much work. But I wonder if it would help connect some of the synapses in my brain that I struggle to connect. I dunno. I'm gonna go now. Hopefully answer some emails and then sleep. Thanks for listening
Love,
Molly Whitesburg
Games Two Can Play
May 17th, 2024
Hello friends. My good friend I've been spending a lot of time with has just left for a ten day trip today, so expect more stuff on here. She's really great. I used to see her a lot a couple years ago but we sorta just drifted away and then I got together with my ex girlfriend so my social opprotunities were limited for a long time. She stayed here last night since I didn't wanna drive her home. It was odd. We shared my bed (or rather my floor mat). It was odd sharing a bed with someone for the first time in 3 months. It was incredibly awkward but eventually it was okay. I was too tired to really stay up and talk for long, anyway. I woke up constantly (as is the norm for sharing a bed with people I don't normally share a bed with). At one point I'd tossed and turned my way to where our cheeks touched. That was a nice feeling. It was sweet.
The whole prospect of intimacy in any way is really freaky to me since the breakup. I kinda feel with this friend of mine that it's a little scary getting so close to someone. It's scary having her come places with me and see my family, not because she's offputting or anything but because of like residual nasty feelings I associate all that stuff with. I understand why some people have a difficult breakup and then just eschew relationships for good. Sometimes I'm glad I feel stuff like that in a wierd way. It reminds me I am capable of feeling. Sometimes I want the reminder. It goes almost without saying that she doesn't know this whole trans deal, or at least I haven't told her. My opsec is admittedly absolute ass, so I think she heavily suspects this. Reddit keeps showing me trans subreddit notifications and I keep forgetting to silence Reddit's notifications. You get it. Plus, like 3/4 of my close friends are trans. She cuts hair too and I came to her after the beard shaving incident and asked for a "significantly more androgynous" haircut. I dunno. Maybe I hide it better than I think.
I'm gonna sleep now, but I'll tell you one last thing. The worst part of this whole trans jawn is that I really like this friend of mine and I could totally see it becoming... more than a friendship. Most everyone I know already assumes we're a couple. But it's like relationships add expectations and I'm really good at dissapointing people who expect shit out of me. I think we are on the same page in that way. I just want whatever we have now. I really wanted to hug her this morning when we got up. More walls needing to be broken down. Anyways, bed time. Remind me I gotta show off this couch I got. I've got no CSS for images here, so we will see what what I end up doing. It's nice to have a decent space where I can relax (expecially when I cannot leave my room/the attached second room while I'm wearing girl clothes. Another good thing about this ten day break from having a close friend is that I can girlmode all I want from the comfort of my room. Nowhere to go, very little to do. I'm so tired. Sleep time, you get some sleep too. It's good for you. I'm slowly trying to sleep a more reasonable amount.
True as True Can Be
Molly