Queen of the Road

May 5th, 2024

Hi friends. It's me. I always feel like a little shameful that I don't update as much as I used to. I'll write as much as I can tonight. My hand has been cramping. Actually it kinda always cramps when I'm typing. I assume that the fact that I never really learned how to type properly probably doesn't help. So, I met with my old bassist. That's probably the biggest new thing. It was actually really nice. We went to some local music stores. There was a... uh massive local event going on right by her house, so we just stayed away as long as possible. I probably am partially doxxing myself by saying that. Whatever. But, we went and got food and that was the first time the whole situation came up. For the uninitiated, my ex girlfriend (probably, 90% positive) cheated on me with my bassist's other band's lead singer. Complicated, right? I may have actually never explained it that concisely. Everything is incredibly complicated, but I sorta wrote her off or was in the process of writing her off. Every time we made plans she'd cancel suddenly saying she was tired and needed to rest. I sorta assumed this was a "go fuck yourself, take a hint" message. I guess not? I'm still confused. She told me her other band's lead singer is kinda crazy and attracts other crazy, but that she thinks this whole thing will blow over. I don't know about that. He poached some of my gigs and stuff, too. Not that they were particularly good gigs, anyway. It just sucks to have an active enemy.

I thought I'd have more to say. I really don't. She reccomended me a little IPL laser gun thing that apparently worked really well on her face hair. She told me she hadn't shaved in 3 days. Fucking wild. She said she did it to all her body hair, too. Cheaper than the real thing, worth a shot I reckon. I'd like to get the hair off my back. That is the biggest pain. If it was just legs and arms, I could totally just like deal. In fact, I currently have it crazy patchy on the places that I don't really see when I'm wearing clothes. Trans women aren't exactly a demographic known for staring at themselves in the nude, I don't guess, and I'm no exception. I don't want to sort of need her, but I kinda do. I have nobody otherwise. Nobody in my boat within 40 minutes of my house, anyway. There's something about sitting in the same room with someone in a similar situation to you.

So I guess that's my life at the moment. Less hairy than I once was, hairier than I want to be. Once I get the face figured out, I will buy some makeup I reckon. There's this guy (twink) at work who does drag who I am debating asking for advice. I sorta vaguely implied I thought drag was interesting (lie), so the door is almost cracked. The handle is turned. I don't know. Loneliness is a motherfucker, huh? He seems nice, I probably shouldn't call random strangers twinks. Someone told me it was a slur once. Isn't that stupid? I'll call who I want a twink whenever I want. Anyways, thanks for listening.



Tokyo Vice or How to Lie in Print

May 7th, 2024

Hey friends. I just wanted to write a little about this book I just finished. It's called Tokyo Vice by Jake Adelstein. It was pretty good, I guess. I really like journalism. At various points in my life, I could very broadly be considered a journalist. When I was 17, I was apparently a top candidate for a job as a radio news reporter. They lied to me about certain things during the interview because the owner's assisstant clearly didn't want me working there. Long story. But, I ended up befriending the person who actually got the job. I would help her write stories. Some stories I wrote almost all of. I have a tape somewhere recorded off the radio of a story about some local police brutality case a few years ago. I saw the police report and everything. Real top secret local stuff. That was really a passion of mine for a while. Still is, I guess. I just don't have any way to express it. Anyways, I digress, so yeah. The book was pretty good, but most of it was made up. A lot of it kinda portrays the author as this hyper badass backtalker. Saying shit to Yakuza's faces and all that. There was one part that really stood out, though. He talked about getting into an argument with his prostitute friend/source and then not being able to get ahold of her again. He'd sent her to like gather information about a Yakuza front. I assumed she'd like become part of the book again at some point, but at the end he reveals she was brutally murdered and it was completely his fault. It's fucking insane. Completely unremarkable book up until that point. Isn't that insane? If you're wondering if it's worth reading, probably not.

On a much nicer note, I read Slaughterhouse Five and finished it today as well. It was really really good obviously. There is a reason it's a classic. Lots of thoughts. I'll save them for another day. Talk soon? I can hear the trains outside my window. Sometimes I want to sit outside and wait for them.

True as Ever,


Playing Music

May 8th, 2024

Hey friends. Massive day. I don't even remember everything I did. I visited my friend. He's 79. It's weird being in a hobby that is almost all old people. I come to his store every few weeks and sit for 4 or 5 hours with him. There's something really simple about that. We talk about music. Pete Seeger, Joe and Eddie. He has missed every single major historical event you could possibly miss. He lived in San Francisco in 1967 and even visited Haight and Ashbury and never explored. He told me once he saw Bob Dylan and Joan Baez walking through Washington Square in 1964. He walked past the Cafe Wha? and never saw anyone play there. He's such a nice dude. I guess he's in some ways a father figure to me at times, as embarrasing as it is to admit on the internet. I've never had a role model, let alone a decent one, you know?

Show days are never really about the show, they're always about doing other stuff. Seeing my friend is one of the main things I do, but sometimes I just walk down the main street. The big city is an hour away, so I kinda relish in being so far from home. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. Today wasn't actually a gig day (though I did end up playing somewhere on a whim). I went up for this writers process group. Sadly, the main host guy wasn't there. His friend (Steve fucking Albini, by the way. Actually. No joke) died today, so he couldn't make it. The crowd was older than I am. late 30s up to mid 50s. They kinda annoyed me. Lots of buddhists, not that there's anything wrong with buddhism. There is something wrong with a lot of white buddhists who are in their 30s-40s. Lots of big fancy words for very basic feelings. If you feel something, just fucking say it. I'm rambling.

After the writer's group, I went to an open mic I usually go to on Wednesdays anyway. Not a good crowd. Nobody really listened til my last song. Whatever. I'm playing again tomorrow and then I have a week off. Thank god, I hate the long drives. Actually, I might not be going tomororow because my car has a nail in it. We will see. Can you tell I'm tired? I feel like I talk in a completely different tone of voice when I'm tired. I need to rest. Goodnight, friends. It's been fun talking to you again. Especially writing more than I have been. I've been doing more but also less at the same time. Much more reasonable amount of stuff.


Molly Whitesburg

Harvest Moon

May 15th, 2024

Hey friends. Long time no see. I kinda had some distracting experiences. I have this thing where I get super interested in a certain friend and sometimes I use them to distract myself from my own feelings. It's hard to explain and probably requires more thought. But I've seen them like every day or every other day and it makes me focus less on growing or working on what I need to work on. I gotta find a middle ground. They've got a trip coming up, so I guess that'll be my time to do that. It's just a complicated relationship. We sort of come in and out of eachother's lives, it feels like. What really kinda freaks me out is that I was almost okay masculine presenting. Makes me wonder if this is how I managed to bottle up my feelings in the first place after the first time I started exploring gender feelings. I cannot ignore these kind of things. I love this person, she is one of my best friends, but I cannot let my own stuff get on track just because I am lonely, you know?

Stuff has also just been busy in other ways, too. I've got some shows coming up. I met with a new guy who is playing some lead guitar for me. It sounds really good, but I was so scared he was going to like try to hurt me or something. I never really get paranoid like that. He was super cool though and I had no issues. He mentioned taking mushrooms. I've always kinda wanted to take mushrooms. Maybe one day. Like I said to him, though, I think you've gotta have a decently solid headspace for stuff like that, and I absolutely do not. So much work. But I wonder if it would help connect some of the synapses in my brain that I struggle to connect. I dunno. I'm gonna go now. Hopefully answer some emails and then sleep. Thanks for listening


Molly Whitesburg

Games Two Can Play

May 17th, 2024

Hello friends. My good friend I've been spending a lot of time with has just left for a ten day trip today, so expect more stuff on here. She's really great. I used to see her a lot a couple years ago but we sorta just drifted away and then I got together with my ex girlfriend so my social opprotunities were limited for a long time. She stayed here last night since I didn't wanna drive her home. It was odd. We shared my bed (or rather my floor mat). It was odd sharing a bed with someone for the first time in 3 months. It was incredibly awkward but eventually it was okay. I was too tired to really stay up and talk for long, anyway. I woke up constantly (as is the norm for sharing a bed with people I don't normally share a bed with). At one point I'd tossed and turned my way to where our cheeks touched. That was a nice feeling. It was sweet.

The whole prospect of intimacy in any way is really freaky to me since the breakup. I kinda feel with this friend of mine that it's a little scary getting so close to someone. It's scary having her come places with me and see my family, not because she's offputting or anything but because of like residual nasty feelings I associate all that stuff with. I understand why some people have a difficult breakup and then just eschew relationships for good. Sometimes I'm glad I feel stuff like that in a wierd way. It reminds me I am capable of feeling. Sometimes I want the reminder. It goes almost without saying that she doesn't know this whole trans deal, or at least I haven't told her. My opsec is admittedly absolute ass, so I think she heavily suspects this. Reddit keeps showing me trans subreddit notifications and I keep forgetting to silence Reddit's notifications. You get it. Plus, like 3/4 of my close friends are trans. She cuts hair too and I came to her after the beard shaving incident and asked for a "significantly more androgynous" haircut. I dunno. Maybe I hide it better than I think.

I'm gonna sleep now, but I'll tell you one last thing. The worst part of this whole trans jawn is that I really like this friend of mine and I could totally see it becoming... more than a friendship. Most everyone I know already assumes we're a couple. But it's like relationships add expectations and I'm really good at dissapointing people who expect shit out of me. I think we are on the same page in that way. I just want whatever we have now. I really wanted to hug her this morning when we got up. More walls needing to be broken down. Anyways, bed time. Remind me I gotta show off this couch I got. I've got no CSS for images here, so we will see what what I end up doing. It's nice to have a decent space where I can relax (expecially when I cannot leave my room/the attached second room while I'm wearing girl clothes. Another good thing about this ten day break from having a close friend is that I can girlmode all I want from the comfort of my room. Nowhere to go, very little to do. I'm so tired. Sleep time, you get some sleep too. It's good for you. I'm slowly trying to sleep a more reasonable amount.

True as True Can Be


stretch out for miles

May 26th, 2024

Okay, I might have to admit that I've slacked on a lot of things. Shaving my arms, shaving my legs, cleaning my space, writing my album. It's really hard to keep everything together. My life has been altogether okay, but I have had very little time for myself. I'm sorta declaring a moratorium on gigs for a little bit so I can just sit. I feel like I'm just getting nothing done. Am I just sad? I don't feel sad. I feel normal? Is my normal worse than other people's normal? Hard to say. I have been falling back into my pre-relationship interests recently. Taking lots of photos, writing lots of new songs. I've been listening to the Beach Boys a lot, too. My last post is named after one of their songs. I've got a complicated relationship with them. My family always makes fun of me for the 3-4 years I listened to exclusively them. It feels really bad being made to feel ashamed of my interests. Maybe I am sad. I feel sad typing this.

I came out to my sister. She's in town for a couple days and we found time to steal away and talk. I sorta came out when I was like 14 to her, too. It was really strange. She started really crying talking about how I might be a target of violence. I told her that I am scared of that, too, but that I understand the risks and cannot continue on the way I have been. We aren't an emotionally expressive family. Everyone pretty much refuses to say anything nice about anyone or even insinuate that they might care about eachother, so this was strange. It still is. I don't know. I don't wanna write anymore. I will talk more some time soon. I hope before the month is out. Email me?

As Always,


Body images issues and Asian Market

May 30th, 2024

Hi friends. It's me, your favorite trans person! Or at least in the top 20? I'll take what I can get. I got bit by a tick the other day. It was a deer tick which is like the size of the eye of a needle, so I didn't see it for at least 24 hours. They gave me antibiotics but I still think I'm getting sick. I assume it's just a poorly timed thing or a different kind of treatable infection. I saw a video of myself performing a song in an alley 2 years or so ago. Made me feel really sad about how I look. I am working on getting more healthy and all that. I just am disgusted by my appearance. Then again, I was then, too. I dunno. I find myself getting jealous of like twinks who could very easily wear smaller sizes. This is kind of par for the course for people in my situation, I guess. I started crying at work and had to excuse myself listening to an Angel Olson record called 'If it's Alive, it Will'. The line is "I'll hold your mirror, all you have to do is turn around so you can see the face you make when you are giving out your soul." Man. Plus, I've had a microlabel wanting to reissue a record I put out when I was a scared 14 year old, so I've been kinda going back into my own feelings. I'll write more about that another day.

I decided on the way back from work to go to the local Asian Market, I got a few things that I am sharing here for no particular reason other than that this is my blog. I got the tried and true Pocari Sweat electrolyte drink since I'm a little under the weather and I grabbed some kind of maybe chewing gum from the counter? Here I will just try a peice as I'm writing this. Okay this is a Now and Later with a little Hi-Chew DNA. Same chemically taste. I also grabbed a Sakura Cola which I assume is not Cola because that just doesn't sound like a good combo. Smell-wise it is wonderful. Not super strong. Oh my god this tastes incredible. Holy shit. If you can find this locally, buy a bottle. I paid 2.95 which seems steep but online it's going for like 7-10 dollars which is insane. If you make more than 20 USD an hour, I'd reccomend spending that. I will be buying more for sure. It doesn't feel as bogged down as like Coke is. It definately has a more cola-y flavor than I was expecting. It's crazy mild. This might be my favorite soda I've ever had. Truly. Wow.

I've been going to the Asian Markets in town since 2017, which is a few years before a lot of other people were going. It's been very strange watching stuff like Pocky and Hi-Chew become household names. I mean look at how en vogue Anime is these days. They sell Manga at my job! I can't help but look upon the early years I spent pretty fondly. I took Mandarin lessons at one of the stores for a few months and I'd always buy my Japanese snack food in perfect Mandarin. I honestly get nostalgic even just for local business. Going to Walmart really brings you down but I feel a very comfortable vibe at the Asian store. Anyway, I'm gonna go take a nap. Have fun out there!


Molly W.

ma'am'd at the zaxbys drive thru???

May 31st, 2024

Hi friends. It was a long day. I wanted to spend my off day actually doing stuff, so I did! I got up at around 9:45 and felt really uniquely nasty. The mix of fresh shaved arms mixed with my sheets and further mixed with feeling the feverish skin-crawliness really wasn't fun. I've been getting not enough sleep, either. I might get a physical alarm clock so I can like not immediately look at my phone. Plus, it's nice to wake up in the middle of the night and know what time it is. Plus, obviously old garbge is kinda my thing as you've come to notice, so I don't mind replacing a feature of my cellphone with a physical object. I'm doing a VOIP landline thing right now, so my goal today was to find a decent landline phone with pulse dial. I assume nobody reading this is particularly technical (this isn't an insult!), so when I say pulse dial I mean a rotary phone. Did you know the numbers are dialed on a rotary phone by rapidly connecting and disconnecting the line? That's why I called it a pulse dial. It's literally creating pulses of hanging up and picking up. I need to make a section of this site where I can talk about stuff like this at the length I would like to.

Either way, I went (REDACTED) hours away to Southern Indiana and then to Louisville, KY to try and find a phone. I was pretty shit out of luck at the first 5 stores til I went to this super hipster flea market thing. I really feel out of place at places like this. As a person who is not small, I really take pretty big issue with all the larger sizes being bought up so twinks can buy them at 10 times the price. Make tight fitting clothes cool again. Pleaaaaase. Please. I didn't even stop and look at anything because of the prices obviously being out of my range and the crippling dysphoria and negative body feelings that come from buying masculine clothes. There's a few local stores I'd like to get fem clothes from, but I haven't worked up the courage yet. Ugh. Either way, there were phones! Many phones! There was one candlestick phone that was bright red from the early 70s. I found a pic of one from eBay, take a look.

picture of a vintage telephone

Isn't it cool? It's a reissue of an ancient design that went out of fashion in the 30s. Kinda a perfect amount of goofballery that I really enjoy. That's kinda what the whole point of having a landline in my bedroom is. It's just goofy and weird and I am goofy and weird (at least I like to think so). Anyways, I ended up finding a late 70s brown one. I'm going to do something you may never see me do again. I am including a photograph. I know, I know, it's really a historic moment. Not only that, but it is a photograph that I myself took in my bedroom. Please, behave. You can also see my 60s couch I got for like 20 bucks recently.

picture of a vintage telephone

Okay, one other thing I got. It's one of those Phillips OneBlade type things. I heard it was decent for shaving areas that were hard to reach or uhh sensitive. We will see. But the thing is. Please don't judge me for this. I may or may not have found it at a vendor mall. I know that is horrible unsanitary but in my defense I am cleaning it with alcohol and replacing the head. I have zero money and that isn't changing any time soon. Cut me some slack. Will keep you all posted.

One more thing. You might be wondering about the clickbaity header for this entry. I will explain. I am a fairly regular customer at the Zaxby's for two reasons: I like chicken and it is relatively cheap if I want a real splurge meal. $7.98 for enough food that I don't need to eat for a while afterwards. I didn't go there for a while because there was a trans employee and she made me sad because it made me reflect on my own life and so I didn't go for a while. So, fast forward a few months and today she handed me my food. I was kinda startled because of this weird entirely parasocial relationship I have with this person. Either way, I was super respectful as I tend to be in a drive thru scenario. Yes ma'am, no ma'am, thank you ma'am et cetera. But this is where it got weird. I swear to fucking god, upon my word of honor, as I was leaving she said, "Have a nice day, ma'am." Isn't that weird? She has definitely seen me at least three times pre-face-shave, so maybe she'd recognize me? Or maybe she saw the telltale stubbly arms? Did she notice me not making a millisecond of eye contact? Maybe she said "man"? But, by god it didn't sound like it. Either way, I cried when I parked.


Molly Whitesburg

CFO, Zaxby's USA