Hello World
March 21st, 2024
Hello friends. My name is.. uh well that is not important but you can call me Molly. I am creating this blog to share things I cannot share on my normal one. Lots of trans stuff probably. I had a lot of trouble picking a name. I remember I came out and back in when i was like 14 and used Sarah for like a year. I don't know if I want a name with baggage. I have a lot of that. When I told my family way back then, I recall feeling really like let down. I needed help and I couldn't get it. I'm 20 going on 21 now. Either way, Molly was what stuck the best purely because it signed really well. If I owned a scanner I could do one of those tacky signatures at the bottom. It loops around and shit. I ended up using Molly Whitesburg as a username somewhere a few weeks ago and it kind of just stuck.
As for how we got here. I will try to keep it very brief. We will skip over any of the childhood stuff because that's boring. Essentially, right after Christmas of last year I had this horrible realization that not only did I want to be a woman, I had for a long time and had buried a lot of my old feelings. The last 3 ish months have been sort of slowly unraveling them again. I live at home so it's pretty difficult to deal with this stuff. Unfortunately, houses are expensive. Long story short, I broke up with my girlfriend about 3 days ago and here we are! I have so much more space and time to focus on exploring what needs to be explored when I am not obligated to be naked in front of another person. I turn 21 in August so my goal is to get onto HRT before then. Will that happen, who knows! Stay tuned to find out?
Either way, that's all I got for now. This really isn't meant for anyone in particular, but I find I can only really share my thoughts when I am acting like I'm talking to somebody. So yeah, stay tuned?
Love,
Molly
Shaving
March 22nd, 2024
Hi friends. I am back for day 2 of posting about my feelings. Today was a really busy day. I got a car! It's a very new Subaru Outback. My father says its a car for lesbians. One day, sorry dad! It was an upgrade from my early 90s Volvo. I loved the Volvo but this is a whole different thing. I need a car that won't break down as often as the Volvo did. I eventually plan to go quasi no-contact with my family, so I need a car that will support me doing that. Low maintenance and all that. They also paid for most of it as I have like zero money. I'm trying really hard to save but I am now under 1000 in savings which isn't ideal. Still aiming for progress before I'm 21 in August.
Anyways, hair. Not great, right? Not great especially for someone who would like to be uh womanly in the future. I remember shaving a little when I first tried to come out when I was like 12 or 13. Shit was rough. I had to hide it really well in the 2 bed we lived in back then. I recall not being able to use shaving cream so I'd dry shave with disposable razors. I remember once I accidentally ripped off so much skin I almost passed out. Blood fucking everywhere. Shit was not good.
Either way, this time went a lot different. I found one of the orange shitty disposable razors and got some of the shave gel (somehow felt more feminine) at Walmart. I've got this nightly ritual of taking a bath and like moisturizing my face and stuff, so I figure I'd go through and shave as much as I could then. Unfortunately, my brother's apartment had a minor fire and he has to stay here in the upstairs bath where I normally do my thing. I got started and probably coulda done most of it even with the limited time I had before he arrived, but I only did a little patch. The razor wasn't great for my very thick body hair. That being said, the little patch looks really nice. I think that if I do like a base shave with a nice shaver and then do the razor, I can probably get something decent-ish. I wonder if my arms will be noticeable. I mean probably, but how do I explain it? Food for thought.
Anyways, I gotta be up early tomorrow since I'm going to an expo a couple hours away for a thing I'm into. I had this kinda idea that might make me feel good. What if I take photos of myself? Nothing of my face or anything remotely identifying. But like if I shave my legs maybe I can take a photo. Idk if that is too lewd for my own taste, but I might try it. I've got this pair of shorts I think are really cute. I wanna feel good about my body and maybe this is the way. Like taking a photo in which I am indistinguishable from cis, that sounds really nice right about now!
True as True can Be,
Molly
Expo and Old Friend
March 23rd, 2024
Hey gang! Went to (REDACTED) this morning for the (REDACTED) expo. Really a cool time, I found a lot of cool stuff. I wonder how these people will react when I transition. Like my friends there are mostly old people. I met a new friend there, too. She was really fucking pretty. Like drop dead god damn pretty. We talked for a while and got along well. I sorta find myself really getting into people like that as of late. Probably the urge to rebound. This girl was super nice, though. She asked a lot of questions and I'm sorta an expert in this field so we talked and I showed her stuff I thought was cool. She's like 1.5 hours from me, so I think we're gonna hang out some time soon.
After we got home, I found out my car's wiper fluid reservoir is fucked and then I had to spend 130 dollars on a replacement bulb for my headlights. Fun. But I was excited to drive it. Kinda makes me feel nice driving what 5 or 6 people have told me is a lesbian car, actually. Weird thing to be happy about, I know. I had plans to go to a concert today. There was a 50s style country band playing in a nearby town. I was going with a friend with whom I have a complicated relationship. We sort of quasi-dated a couple years ago. It was strange and never really official. I was nervous to ask her out, I guess. But, either way, we sorta reconnected recently. It was really nice just sitting with someone. I wonder if she still feels how she used to. Part of me wants to date, part of me (the more reasonable part) says absolutely fucking not. I worked my ass off to get out of this past relationship just so I could shave my legs. I ain't giving myself a reason not to. Plus, I need to grow. I have grown so much in the last year and I really don't wanna lose my momentum.
I sorta do songwriting sorta professionally. That feels important to mention. It doesn't pay the bills, but it's a good outlet and sometimes pays for gas and sometimes even pays for food. But this relates in that I've felt fucking amazing lately creatively. Writing a few verses every day give or take. Here is one I wrote recently ish. Nothing amazing, but it is good to keep the creative muscles from atrophy. I like poems with repeated phrases. What's that called? Lemme see. Anaphora. Very Ginsberg-y.
"Whose bell drop fantasies drag across the road like ancient boulders
Whose mile marker dreams of greater things fall face first into rest stop showers
Who, as young men, learned to fall asleep on command
Who never relaxed when every night seemed the same
Where what once knocked them onto their knees now only hums, resonating somewhere deeper than the soul"
I dunno, just something I kinda liked. I read howl for the first time last year and it kinda changed how I think about art. Either way. I need to sleep and finished developing my film from today. Expect more soon. I'm sorta committed to taking cute photos, too. So keep your eyes peeled. I'm so excited for the future. Good day.
With Love on a Rainy Day,
Molly Whitesburg
Getting hit on at work? More likely than you'd think
March 24th 2024
Hey! How are you? Oh yeah, well I am doing fine. Today was an okay day. I got written up at work since I called out for the expo yesterday. Oh well, they can suck my... you get the point. Either way, I unpacked some of my girl clothes today. They been hidden in a guitar case while I wait for my ex to get their shit from my house. They are really holding off on getting it! Either way. Today was good. I started shaving again. Now like half of one thigh is done and sorta my lower leg. This is hard. I feel like a heroin addict sometimes with this stuff. It's like I start doing a fem thing and then it stops being enough. I was so desperate today I went to Walmart to get some disposables instead of waiting to get a safety razor at work tomorrow. I already have the blades. Hopefully they are still there then. They also had a Braun foil shaver there on the clearance rack. 34 bucks. Discounted from like 60. That's the fuckin one I've heard people talk about online! So like should I get it? I guess? But money is tight. If I can find some bread sitting around I'll do it. Someone offered me 60 bucks for a drum machine that isn't technically mine, but idk that I would want to get rid of it.
Either way, so I shaved. Kinda. Lots of straggle hairs and shit. If I keep up on this, I should be able to keep it short much easier. I have a fucking lot of body hair. Ugh. I'm scared that when I shave my arms people will notice. I am focusing on the invisible bits for now. Like I said, I got these shorts I think are really cute and I can show them if I can get the body hair away. I've never actually felt pretty. Even back in the day when I sorta tried to go through with all this, I just looked like a guy with makeup on. I hope with my life knowledge and a bunch of trans friends I can make it work. Speaking of feeling pretty. Word has kinda gotten around at work that I am now single and I had a fucking insane interaction with one of the baristas. My job has a Starbucks, and I used to work at a standalone, so I stop by and socialize sometimes. But either way, this chick came up and started talking to me.
"What did you get written up for?"
"Absences. Look at this thing I posted," I say as I'm showing her and a friend a pic of me with my feet on my boss's desk.
"I like your shoes," she says to my incredibly dingy New-balances that recently survived a bright yellow Flex-Seal accident.
"Thanks, they're kinda trashy," I say as I take out a vintage camera and take a picture of my other friend, mentioning something about how I called in to go to a camera expo.
"Wow, I love cameras."
Okay, now that I type it out it doesn't seem like she was desperately flirting with me. But, I swear I can sorta read body language and she was like not hiding it whatsoever. It was like actively bizarre. I don't know if I make an attractive guy or not. I just have long hair and a short beard. My features are kinda soft. I definitely have a baby face. One of my coworkers, to the idea of me shaving it, said that she thought there was nothing wrong with looking young. It mean's I'll age gracefully. That's good to know. It was a sweet thing to say. Slowly motivating myself to cut it all off. I just keep remembering what I looked like as a kid. Eek. Maybe the hair can be changed. I mean it has gotta be anyway. It's just straight with a sorta middle part. Obviously I'll do the high risk high reward option and get bangs. My forehead is too big not to.
That friend I saw yesterday actually cuts hair professionally, but I would be nervous to say that I want a haircut that makes me look more feminine. Nobody who isn't trans has ever asked that I can almost promise you. But, I need to figure something out. I swear if I can girlmode in the comfort of my own home I'd be the happiest chick you know. Ugh, I am pining for that. Slowly collecting more clothes. Some stolen from people I don't know anymore. Some I've had for longer than I can remember. Recently got my first undergarments. I don't know how to tuck yet, so I need to figure that out. Anyways, getting a bit personal, probably because I am super tired. It is now midnight so I have technically broken my daily streak. Oh well. See you all tomorrow or today or yesterday or whenever.
Love and Everything You Could Hope For,
Molly Ringwald (Partial name inspo, she is really cute in the movies)
Really Bad Day
March 25, 2024
Hey friends. I'm gonna make a long story very short. Ex-girlfriend told one of my closest friends what I can only assume are a bunch of lies about me. They won't speak to me anymore. I am so fucking torn up. We played music together and were slowly gaining a tiny regional following. She is also now I believe fucking the lead guy from my friend's other band and potentially was at the tail end of our relationship. I don't know what to do. And my family stuff is no good either. They just don't get it and my mother has some horrible issues with dealing with emotions. But, I have found a solution, I think.
So basically, about a year ago I was offered a job at a film lab in (REDACTED) about 3 hours away. Not only that, but I have a friend up there with 2 spare rooms. See where I'm going. He's gonna see about me renting them and then I can be free. And more free to express myself. The guy who actually owns the place is likely to be more progressive than most as he was super active in gay stuff in the 70s and 80s. Or maybe less progressive. Who knows? I just know that my original plane was to move there, I put a hold on that because the music was doing well. Then, this happened. So, I think I know what I need to do. Will start putting money aside. Just had to drop 1.2k on a car, so it will take me a minute. Once I get 5k, I think I'll leave or at least think about it. Fuck whatever else. I'll get HRT I don't give a fuck I just need to go. I know they say don't trust any life decisions made after 9PM, so I will talk to you again then. Much love to all of you (Hi to the two people who asked for links to this page)
Love,
Molly
PS. I guess Molly is the name for now. I am not having anyone in my personal life actually call me it yet because I ain't ever presented fem and it just doesn't feel right. Once I start doing that it will probably change. One of my IRL fake names was Temperance after a show my ex and I watched and I kinda was thinking of using it as my tran name. Glad I didn't commit to that. Molly is taken from a Biff Rose tune I heard. It's really good, you'd like it. yes you. Bye for real now I need to sleep.
dont jus be ytransngedener, be lovely
March 27th, 2024
Hey friends! Long time no see! So basically a lot happened. Last night was pretty interesting. I cut off my facial hair! It was really emotional and I think I had a lot of feelings caught up in it. I started growing out facial hair when I was like pretty young. Maybe 15? Only two people I still know actually remember what I looked like before then. I remember the time I grew it out was right when I sort of stopped doing the trans thing as a teen. I will keep it kind of vague so as not to unearth feelings I am not ready to unearth. But it all started right when my big sexual trauma thing started. I recall just feeling ashamed of this self expression I was doing. The person who did the abusing told me I was better looking when I grew out my facial hair. I used Walt Whitman to justify it at the time. I had a lot of feelings tangled up in this, most of which I didn't realize were even there. It also kind of represents a step into "real" trans-dom? Like this is a visible commitment that I am transitioning. Isn't that wild?
So either way, after shaving all my facial hair off, I felt really bad. Like all my old feelings of being ugly came back out. My chin is kinda odd. I also had gained a little weight during my relationship, so I felt like it was just pudgy looking and weird. Still do! But, I called a hairdresser friend and asked them in the least out-myself way to give me an androgynous haircut. That helped a lot. It's like a wolf cut mullet thing. I really like it. Like, don't get me wrong it isn't perfect or whatever, but I really like it. It made me feel better about myself. I shouldn't like preface statements like that. I like it and it is perfect. If I don't think so in a year, whatever fuck it it doesn't matter.
It was really nice to make a drastic appearance change. I've looked basically the same for like 5+ years. I went into work today (in a veiled attempt to get a fancy foil shaver cause I heard they get really close without being a hassle. I saw one for 20 bucks recently that retailed for 80, they didn't have it on the clearance shelf anymore.) and my boss didn't recognize me. It was super strange to be looked at by someone I knew and having them not realize. I've always liked the idea of disappearing from my life or whatever. Maybe it is youth or whatever.
Another really nice thing happened today. I went to go on a quick hike at a nearby park nature reserve thing and, as I was leaving, sorta caught myself in my car mirror. I felt like this weird rush of like glee at how I looked. It was like I felt markedly more feminine than I ever have in my life. It was really really a nice feeling. Like I could ride that feeling a while. I tried to take a picture, and I couldn't really get it to translate on camera. But I sat there just looking for like a solid ten minutes. Turn my head a little, turn it back, turn the other way a little. It was really strange and really nice. A friend of mine tells me that this is a really painful thing and I agree and have experienced the tip of the iceberg so far, but this was really nice. These things do pay off, I guess.
Okay, last thing. I removed most of my body hair! I still have more than I should, but I will deal with it tomorrow. I used this stuff a friend recommended called Magic Shaving Powder. Really good stuff. I mixed this like toxic-smelling sludge stuff and my body hair sloughed right off, immediately clogging the shower drain. Okay cool, I pour a bunch of lye down the drain and take a break. Then, I did it again and got like most of my shit gone! My torso is like almost clear and both of my legs are mostly clear. Now I gotta do the arms. Was saving them for last because I don't really wanna half ass those as they are readily visible to everyone who sees me. It felt really nice to have everything easily come off. I'll use the razor still, of course, but this was good for getting all the thick body hair off. Like, I have a lot of it. Had a lot of it. Every inch of my body pretty much.
Anyways, I need sleep. I will write more probably tomorrow or the day after. I'm performing at an open mic then, so we will see how the people who see me there react to the new look. One last thing. I received a piece of fanmail from one of my loyal readers in the beautiful scenic rust belt. I will present it under this post without commentary. Much love.
Yours,
Molly
Mild Series of Mistakes
March 29th, 2024
Hi friends. I will keep it short as it hurts to type this. I got the rest of my body hair pretty much gone! But, I have paid the cost for my hubris. I was using that magic shave powder thing. It was super easy and worked super well once I mixed it right rather than eyeballing it. So, I was having a great time I felt really good. I was just gonna do my arms tonight. All was going okay til I put some on my hand to spread down my arm and I felt this god awful burning. Blood, guts, pretty nasty chemical burns. But, I went and got bandaid wraps and aloe vera. Wish me luck!
In Pain,
Molly
Nervous Bride
March 31st, 2024
Hi friends. I am back. Not much has happened. My hand started to heal up! That whole thing was kinda rough. I just haven't done a lot of stuff. Apparently when you shave your face you're supposed to do 3 passes? I learned this and was like damn I really didn't have a father figure to teach me this, I just sorta guessed. I am in my early 20s now and just assumed I guessed right circa age 13. There's such a distance between my family and I. I live with my mother, but it's like I never really see her. She doesn't really know what I do, and I only sort of know what she does. I've got this chance to move a few hours away for super cheap this year. Hopefully it works out cause then I can really limit my contact and get the shit done that needs done.
Been watching a lot of old videos of me performing. I do the music thing quasi-loosely-sorta-professionally, mostly in that I do it a lot, not that I get paid for it. I chronically tape all my shows, too. It's just weird looking back. Weird how my voice sits in my throat (til recently I don't think I really perfected the normal human male voice), how I move around. I recall dedicating a version of Come All Ye Fair and Tender Ladies to my friend at a show a few days after he died. I've had him on my mind a lot.
The other day, my coworker had a seizure. I walked onto the floor from the backroom and saw him lying on the floor, turning blue. It scared the shit out of me. I couldn't think clearly enough to assume it was a seizure, so I sorta thought this guy was gonna die right there. Even thinking of his face with a day of hindsight, I am really bothered. It is like I saw the face of death staring directly at me. That scared me so bad. I went to my car and cried. That's all I got. I leave you with an incredibly nervous 16 year old me's thoughts on death, not because I think they're relevant, but because I found it interesting.
"I feel this is something important I need to say. I'm gonna play a song by myself. I got a little thing I wrote here. As you all know, as some of you all know, our good friend died last week. His name was (Redacted) and he was a very genuine person and I'm sure none of us who met him will forget him. I remember the last time he spoke to me he asked when the next concert was, and that was just a couple months ago. He would have been here today, I think, or tried to be. He was 18 years old. As I stand here in front of you all I wonder why things like these happen. I think sometimes things don't make sense, they're not supposed to. If you're struggling, I want to say that myself and anyone who is here, we are here. I'd like to close out the show with, (Redacted) always told me he liked pretty music and that was his thing. It sounds very nondescript, but you always knew what he meant. So, I'd like to play a pretty song for him."
Til Death do us Part,
Molly