tired of feeling bad
June 3rd, 2024
Hi friends. I write a lot about bad times but the last few days have really been uniquely unpleasant. I keep getting these awful feelings of anxiety and so I stay in this borderline panic attack state. It really doesn't matter what sets it off. Sometimes it's seeing other musicians playing all the time while I struggle to get anything. Sometimes it's seeing all my friends doing stuff while I'm stuck here. Sometimes it's my relationships with my family. A lot of the time it's my relationship with my body. The voice in my head that says I can't do this transition thing is real strong as of late. I cannot see myself making things work and that's really scary because the other option is not being alive. I know that's probably unreasonable, but I just feel like I can't bear these thoughts. I will, of course, but it fucking sucks. I am miserable and nothing is making my happy in this moment. I feel like I have nobody. I don't have nobody, but it feels like it. I can tell my thoughts aren't reasonable, but like I can't change them. I am trying so hard to be calm as I write this. It comes in waves. Maybe I will cry. I hope I can for my own sake. Thanks for reading.
Molly
this could be the night
June 12th, 2024
More bad times. It's been a swinging pendulum which has hit lower and lower as of late. There is so much to be stressed about. I pretty often think I should just get in my car and go. Maybe I could make it work. I've got potential room in Columbus for cheap. I could probably transition there. I've got friends way further North who probably could help me if things got super hairy. I just get so down about things. I can never stop and think because there is always something else. I feel like I have no breathing room in my current living situation. Very dark headspace at times. I am meeting with a support group about an hour away this weekend. Wish me luck, I'm definately going to need it. I really need to meet people.
Keeping it Brief,
Molly
seashore
June 12th, 2024
Okay, so I'm back as you can tell. I try not to write twice in a day but I'm feeling much better than I was earlier, so I kinda wanted to share a few things. First of all, I got my hair trimmed today mostly as an excuse to see my friend at the cosmetology school. She also did some kind of fancy way of curling it, and it looked really nice I think. I sorta am coming to the realization that my glasses make me look way more masculine. This is good to know, I'll probably order some more femme glasses next time I officially go in. For now I might get some cheap prescription sunglasses. Found some I really really like. I took a photo of myself today cause I was kinda shocked by my appearance. I looked sorta like a trans woman! Kinda. A super clocky trans woman but still! It's something new! Need to work on voice and all that. Just keep putting it off becuase of some weird internalized thing where I don't think I can do it so I don't. I dunno. By for real now. Talk soon?
Love,
Molly
Tire Swing
June 24, 2024
Things have changed greatly. I don't know what to write but I know I need to write something. I've been seeing an old friend and I sorta kissed them the other day and then we kept doing it and now we are an item I guess. I don't know what all this means. I feel like I did something wrong. Did I? This isn't rhetorical, please let me know if you have any ideas. Should I just do this til I can't do it anymore? I'm so happy but there is like this dark feeling of "what about when the gender stuff comes back?". Ugh. I can't tell you if I'll write again soon, but if anything good happens I'll try to keep posting. Really love this person, but I am very complicated.
Love,
Confused