peer pressure influenced life update
April 2nd, 2024
Happy April! I’m writing this from my bath due to peer pressure from sone of my pals. I am doing well, very hairless. I’ve been slowly improving at shaving my face. Who’d have thunk that’s a skill you can develop? I’m getting pretty close shaves to where you can only see if you get close. I made a new friend the other day. It’s this person who replied to a bunch of my Instagram stories and we got to talking. She’s really fun. I always need new friends. I always kinda worry people like this are secretly in love with me or something and that’s the only reason they talk to me.
I sorta forget I can write about anything I want here. Not just trans stuff. I dunno that I have a crazy amount to share, though. Maisie told me to sit with myself and words will come. This is probably true. I just have a hard time doing that. Maybe I need to rearrange my schedule. I need more sleep, anyway. I keep staying up late on work nights and coming in on 5 hours or less. I took a 3 hour nap today not on purpose. I set a timer for an hour and I think slept through it. Since I don’t take drugs, napping to ambient DnB is the closest I get. I get these crazy dreams. I’m back to sleeping on a tatami mat since the breakup, too, which, for some reason, makes me have wild dreams.
I think I’m happy being alone. It’s hard to tell when I’m happy. My ex used to ask me if I was happy and I’d never really know what to say. I’m not unhappy. I’m just doing whatever I’m doing. I picked up some new mechanical equipment to repair yesterday, so I guess I’m happy about that. It just feels like what I need to keep moving rather than an added thing that makes me happy. I recorded a new song today and I’m abnormally happy about that. Or the other day when my hair was sorta wavy, bordering on feminine looking. That was really nice. But, otherwise, I’m just as happy as usual. maybe that’s odd?
In other news, I gotta shave my legs and I’m kinda putting it off cause of the amount of leg hair I have. I’ve also got back hair I cant get to and I now do not want to use chemicals given the incident the other day. Someone (a YouTube video) recommended me this telescoping shaver thing I guess I’ll eventually try. Moneys just tights. Also I own almost zero clothes. I have a few things I owned from back in the day (a couple items are sadly lost and probably went with my ex’s stuff). Between you and me, I may or may not have taken a few things and kept them. Like a skirt, a dress, setting spray and I think that’s it. I’ve got em locked in a guitar case til I find a decent storage solution. Living at home, my shit kinda gets snooped through on occasion. Not ideal if you’re hiding massive personal secrets.
Anyways friends, this bath is way too hot so I’m gonna give up on it. I hope you all have fun out there. I’ll be back tomorrow if I can find the will to write. I'm off so there’s no excuse.
Love,
Molly
need money, will travel
April 3rd, 2024
Hey friends! I'm back! Before midnight this time, too! I don't have much to say. I need to get my act together schedule-wise. I was right last night. Especially if I wanna keep the smooth skin going. I need to force myself to do stuff regularly. It's hard. Like if I am physically healthy, I am on my phone too much. If I go outside, I don't clean. I'm such a messy person, too. Like I just attract clutter, especially if I have a project that really interests me. It's such a pain. I just wanna keep it together. I hope relocating will help me, but who knows? I need to make more money. I'm really low on funds right now. I really need to buy clothes. Like everything would be ok if I owned one complete outfit. Fuck. God damnit. Shit. Then again when I wear any of the items I currently have, I get so freaked out cause I worry I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I don't like it. Today's been especially bad in that way. I shaved my arms, though!
I kinda think the shaving has gotta come in differnet days because of the sheer amount of body hair I grow. Like it is shocking. So one day for legs, one day for torso, one for arms. Plus, I'm lazy and want this to take up as little of my time as possible. Actually, that's probably not true. I'd like to drag on every good feeling I get for the rest of my life. Even the feeling of the razor occasionally nicking my skin is so nice. I can't help it, it's just nice. Anyways, that's all I got for tonight. Can't consider the sad feelings too much or else I'll be sulking and I'd rather not sulk. Another day.
Yours,
Molly
PS. One other thing. The name comes from a Biff Rose song called Molly I play sometimes. Look him up, he's really something. Maybe I already mentioned this, but whatever this is my blog damnit.
open mic
April 4th, 2024
Hi friends. Writing this at the open mic I play every week. I really bombed tonight. Too much on my mind, I guess. It just makes me sad. I’m too easily disheartened. One thing bad and everything is. I want to fade away into someone else. I just wish things were easier. Would they be if I was a girl? Maybe? One less thing to make me unhappy. Sometimes I doubt my clinical diagnoses and then I feel this way and I’m like dang.
There are people who think I’m the best songwriter in this town. I have like a lot of the things I dreamed of as a kid. Why am I not happy? I gotta figure out how to not be this way. Bye for now. I’ll probably post this after work tomorrow, so just so you know I wrote it April 4th.
Love,
Molly
Reflection on living with my father
April 5th, 2024
Hi friends. I’m writing this one from my old computer. I had kinda a weird moment today. I have kind of a complicated relationship with my family. I live with my mother, right? But this wasn’t always the case. I got kicked out of my mother’s house in 2020 and stayed with my father for like 3 years. It wasn’t a fun time. His house was pretty much falling apart the whole time I was there. Lots of clutter and cobwebs and stuff. I remember growing up there more than anywhere else. I didn’t really understand that I was living in a shithole at that time, and by 2020 it was a lot worse. I ended up cleaning up the basement to stay in, but it was a process. The ceiling was really water damaged and needed to be repainted, but I only ever got as far as scraping the worst parts off. The plumbing was also broken, so the toilet had to have the water manually turned on. Eventually, I convinced my father to have it replaced, but not after a couple years of fighting over it. I ended up making an okay spot for myself, all things considered. I had a tatami mat (one I still sleep on today) in the center of the room and a space heater to help with the bitter cold. I recall there being holes in the windows that I patched with tape, but which still let a lot of cold air in.
One time I pressure washed the back porch. It was this tiny concrete slab underneath the main level deck, it was caked in so much mud I’m not sure I even knew there was concrete under it when I started. I remember using that door to sneak out. I couldn’t drive at the time, so I would just walk around town. This was late, super early in the morning. Often, I would get back at 2 or 3:30. I think of these as the fondest times of my life sometimes, in a weird way. I can’t get why. I haven’t spent a whole lot of time thinking about it, though. Even now, I’m giddy at the thought of it. Maybe it was because I was nobody. I rarely went out and was pretty disconnected from the world. I used this computer (which is physically incapable of going to many new websites) to write on my blog and look at other people’s blogs. I fixed little electronics and sold them on eBay while I worked at Starbucks (7AM to 2PM, of course) to get some money. My best friend moved away for school, so I was just alone. Maybe it’s because it was the first time that I was ever accountable to nobody. Nothing really mattered. That can be an incredibly freeing thing. I sorta felt that old feeling recently as I went out to get a coke while I had the house to myself for a few days. It was raining, I listened to Aphex Twin and drove the country roads. It felt timeless. Just like the nights I spent watching ancient anime on a CRT I’d fixed into something approximating a media center using spare parts. I never had to speak to anyone but my coworkers. I got up 20 minutes after my father left the house and got off before he got home.
Maybe it was some essential truth about myself that I discovered back then. Maybe I never realized that I liked to sleep to ambient music, or that I liked to be alone, or that I liked being disconnected. I remember that I got so comfortable with myself that I started thinking about gender again, too. I had this long black skirt with flowers on it that I got circa 8 or 9 years ago. I really liked it, but sadly I think it’s been lost to time. But, I recall I’d wear it to sleep or when I was just hanging out. I told myself I was more comfortable in it and that it was purely pragmatic, but that is obviously not true.
I wonder where I’d be if I never left. I started staying with my mother again in February of 2023. Not for a good reason. It was cause my ex needed a place to stay and my mother didn’t care if we shared a bed. Sometimes I kinda regret leaving. I miss it in this weird way. I was lonely and isolated, but it was in the least painful way. I was very free. I didn’t have a car then, but I still felt more free than I do now. Maybe all the cameras here are the reason I don’t feel free. Even leaving out the back I know I’m being recorded and a lot of the time directly watched. I had the power then to change my surroundings. Moving will be nice if I can make it work out.
I visited today and went downstairs to my former lair for the first time in a very long time. It was sorta the same. More tattered since I’ve taken a lot of stuff from there since I lived there. Lots of little bugs. These beetles thrived since there wasn’t a person there to scare them off. Otherwise, it’s about how it was. That was the strange part. It’s like a part of my life that I cannot go back to, yet still exists pretty much completely as it was back then. My always-on media center thing is still on. I could turn the TV on and watch whatever Theda Bara documentary I was on last time I watched sometime early last year. Change is hard. At least a lot of the current life changes I’m going through are good ones. I need to take pictures of that room as it is right now. Anyways, see you around.
Love,
Molly
joyful thought
April 7th, 2024
Hi friends. How are you? Ha! You can’t reply as this is a blog. I guess you can comment, but that’s really not the same. Either way, life is ok. I went to an open jam last night. It was pretty fun, I met a friend I’ve been talking to on the internet quite a bit. She was cool. We didn’t talk a ton, though. I sorta was reminded how much I hate events like that. It’s hard cause I am so culturally unconnected. I think it’s half my upbringing and half the fact that there is a high chance I have autism. Like I got a coworker who also has it and we were talking a lot today about it. It’s like I can’t get along with “regular” (incredibly loaded thing to say, I know) people. People who go home from work and like watch television and don’t get super obsessively interested in vintage Gillette razors or whatever. I just can’t relate to people like that in a meaningful way. But either way, the open mic sorta reached a point where everyone would take pop songs or country from the last 30 years and play it. Just bored me to tears. None of the songs mean anything to me. No nostalgia, no nothing.
Also, trans update. As hinted previously, I bought a vintage Gillette Razor (currently in transit). One of the old style safety razors with the interchangeable blade. New obsession, but probably actually just a new chapter of the interest in things that are well made. Like the wool milsurp pants I wear every day I’m not working. I hope I can use this razor for the rest of my life. I’ve been using a different cheapo safety razor that was on sale at work and it’s not wonderful but it’s miles above the cartridge razors I used way back when and briefly used after I cut the beard off. Like right now it is so smooth it’s incredible and I haven’t even gotten decent blades or a better razor yet. I figure that with HRT thinning out the hairs and eventually doing laser, I can make this into something manageable. What really fucking sucks is doing my legs. I am way behind on them and it is kinda bothersome. I’ll get it done tomorrow hopefully depending how I feel after the eclipse. Also I’m going a couple hours away to see the eclipse! Should be fun and hopefully life-changing or whatever. Plus it’s with one of my closest friends who I haven’t seen in a few weeks. Anyways, I’m gonna cut it here. Probably approaching time for bed.
Love,
Molly>
stolen clothes revue
April 8th, 2024
Hello friends! I’m back. Today was good. I went and saw the eclipse and all that. It was good. That’s not what I wanna talk about though. I’ve been sorta avoiding a lot of my stash of girl clothes for the last few weeks. I got sorta scared of catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I guess. Today I felt pretty bad about the whole gender thing, so I ended up shaving most of my legs (slowly working on my speed, I promise!) and I figured I’d sleep in the skirt I normally wear. But, I sorta was drawn towards this blue dress I’ve got. It’s really pretty. This is rare for someone whose clothes come mostly from stealing. I recall when we moved houses I’d seen this dress in my ex’s donate pile and so I nabbed it and tried it on in the bathroom. I tried it on and it pretty much fit me perfectly. Like, shockingly well. Obviously I am missing some things that would fill it out, but like it ain’t half bad!
Either way, I was kinda drawn to it tonight. Since my ex and I broke up I’ve been making pretty heavy moves into one day being able to girlmode, but clothes have been a little scary as I said. So, I put on this dress and I looked at myself not through my mirror, but through the reflection of the window (it’s a bizarre interior window into the storage area, so nobody sees). I felt really nice! I was able to obscure my face enough to where I didn’t feel weird! Progress! I felt really nice. Still do! I’ve got every light off but the light of my computer at which I’m writing this and looking at myself through the mirror. I feel really good. Really good. I even took a photo for my own personal sake. I feel really good.
Love,
Molly
confessions of a girl with unrequited crush on her bass player
April 9th, 2024
Hi friends. I actually started this document way early, like 6 PM. Sadly, I got distracted so we writing at 11 PM again. I haven’t published yesterdays yet, so I’ll put em both up at the same time and then just edit the times to be right. Today was nice. Pretty easy. I been thinking about my attraction to other people a lot. I’d like to date, but I know this is a really bad time to do it. I get so lonely sometimes in that way. I want to be held and told everything will be okay. I’ve spent my whole life with my guard up so high I could never let anyone in, and I’m just learning to let it down sometimes.
Wanna know something real personal? I feel like I need to get this off my chest. It’s real personal. Real, real personal stuff. Before I broke up with my ex, my bassist and I had this weird mutual feelings thing going on. It was never acted on or really even spoken out loud, but there was always this weird tension between us. She was trans, too, so we talked a lot about deeply personal stuff. And both of us were in relationships that were deeply stifling.
I remember one night in particular. It was after we’d played a show somewhere. Her car was broke down, so I’d been driving her to and from shows. I hugged her and I remember telling her I didn’t wanna go home to my partner, and she didn’t wanna go in to hers. I remember how warm she was and how desperate I was to stay with her. So, we sat in her garage. I watched her work on her motorcycle late into the early morning. There was nothing but a worklight. It reeked of gasoline. She was so beautiful in that light. I’m ashamed to admit that I felt that way. I remember I started to cry.
“I really didn’t want to go home,” I said, my breath froze in the air.
“I’d let you stay over but, you know,” she said, referring to her partner inside.
“I know. I really wish I could.”
“I think my gas tank is good now,” she changed the subject, “Should I see if it starts?”
She started towards the road from the garage, pulling what was no doubt an incredibly heavy motorcycle by her side. She had to use a screwdriver to start it. Sparks flew everywhere. She got on without speaking, muttered something about how she’d be right back, and off she sped down the road. I focused on her hair.
“Can I ride with you?” I asked.
“Sure, you just have to hold on to me,” she spoke before I could finish my sentence. I climbed onto the back and put my arms around her. I don’t really like touching people, but this felt easy. Her skin felt soft. I thought about how badly I wished mine could be that way. I felt the usual feelings bubble up. I can’t recall much of the rest.
I remember one other thing. We’d made the 3 hour drive to pick up some equipment and decided she might as well stay over. My ex-partner drove, she was the one who actually suggested my bassist stay over. It was odd coming from someone as viciously jealous as she was. We’d prepared for her to stay one night, but that turned into 2. I remember the first night she slept in the twin mattress we had in the other room. The second night, my ex suggested we all “dogpile” in the queen bed in our room. I wonder why she said this, especially now given the whole cheating on me thing. Maybe it was to give me a reason to cheat on her? I guess I’ll never know. I remember my bassist and I stayed up later than her watching videos on my phone. Eventually, we were both exhausted and decided to sleep. She was always a physically affectionate person, so I assumed she’d be like be close to me, but I figured she’d keep her distance. I felt her arm slip around me and she got into this quasi spoon position. I felt butterflies like nothing else. I recall just sitting there, awake, relishing in it. By this time, my relationship had soured significantly. We fought a lot, very little affection happened. This was nice. Really nice. I dreamed about her. I dreamed about us, even though I knew it wasn’t at all possible. I woke up several times during the night. At one point, I realized she was on her back and I was on my side holding her. I didn’t move. When we woke up, I told my partner it was muscle memory to hold onto whoever was next to me.
I guess there’s no moral to this story. I think it could probably be construed as morally wrong if you wanted to, but I don’t think it was. I miss my bassist. We haven’t talked much since my ex started fucking the lead singer of her other band. I feel like a moron for trusting her with all this stuff about me. For feeling the way I felt about her. For even dreaming that things could work out in any way that wasn’t heartbreak. I just wish it hadn’t gone like this. I would be so happy to just be friends again.
Yours,
Molly W.
quietly grow old
April 13th, 2024
Hi friends. I’m back! Sorta kinda had a delay there where I had nothing to talk about. Actually, I did have things to talk about, I just didn’t want to write them down. As for general life updates, I went on a date! Or it was actually more of a kinda-date. The closest you can get to one without it being one. I was gonna do this open mic night I normally do, but I didn’t like the fill-in host, so I sorta walked around this decently sized city trying to find something to do. Eventually, I invited this friend of mine I’ve met once or twice out and we got coffee and walked around. We both recently got out of semi long term relationships, so I guess that’s our bond. It felt nice to just walk around with someone. Ultimately, I know I shouldn’t get too involved in any kind of romantic way with anyone. I’m far too fragile right now for any of that. I’ve been reading this book about a trans woman in Nevada searching for a long lost vaguely Brian Wilson inspired bandleader. It’s called Summer Fun and it’s really good. But that kinda has a lot of things that felt really familiar to me from my last relationship. Lots of its descriptions of the act of sex. Sex was always weird for me, I’ll get into it another time. I was talking to a friend about autism and we talked about understanding a phrase, but not being sure you understood it in the same way as the average Josephine. It’s kinda like that.
I would’ve dated my bassist if I could have, but I never could have. Pipe dream of a pipe dream. Maybe I just felt seen. I feel seen a lot these days, but never in the flesh. We were gonna go shopping. I didn't even do anything. My partner started fucking the lead singer of her other band. Why do I have to suffer for the sins of someone else? I miss her in the friend way, too. I never meet trans people in the flesh. I had a dream last night that I went up to (REDACTED) and visited some trans friends from the internet and I didn’t have to pretend. I’ve got a ways to go before I can do that, but it’s a comforting thought. One day, this will all be over and I will be able to be who I want.
As for why I haven’t written, I think a lot of it is that I’ve been reading fiction, and I tend to take on the voice of the narrator if I write while I’m reading. It’s kinda like this weird urge I have to romanticize a lot of moments in my life. The motorcycles with C (this is my new name for my old bassist. Too hard to keep saying my bassist), going to shows, driving to the state border and antiquing. It just isn’t honest, and honest is what this is. If I start to lie or embellish (very natural tendency of mine), it stops mattering that I’m speaking at all. I have to tell the truth somewhere or I will get lost in the haze. My friend Maisie just made a blog and summed up my thoughts pretty much exactly. I’ve been making personal sites for like 9 years now, before there was a community. The big thing the community taught me, I guess, is that you need to use these tools to be honest, if that makes sense. I’ve been browsing personal sites a lot as of late. My computer is in the other room, or I’d probably be browsing right now. Its presence would make it harder for me. For the record, I type these out on a late 90s iMac I got from Facebook Marketplace, then I put them on a flash drive and move them over. I can’t access most modern websites on here, but I guess this is a good thing. Nothing to do but write.
Can you tell I’m tired? I really start to dart from topic to topic. One last thing. Tran update. I’m buying a bra. It’s just something I wanna do. Hand has been hovering over the order button for days. I’ve done a lot of research. I get uncomfortable talking about these things, so I will leave you with that. Eventually I’ll say more. Probably. Ok bye now. Have fun out there.
Yours Truly (for better or worse),
Molly Whitesburg
PS. I just pressed the buy button. Cried some, will cry more. But it will be okay. Love.
may i but meet thee on that peaceful shore
April 14th, 2024
Hi friends. Chances are, I will only write a little as I didn’t intend to write at all today. Low times, I guess? I haven’t kept up on shaving much but my face and arms. It’s hard cause of how quick it grows. My back also has way more than I can manage with just a razor and an arm. Someone recommended me a product, but for now I’m stuck with hair. How is it that I can be so happy one moment and so sad the next? Like one second my dreams are so close and the next I will never get what I want. I don’t know. I wish I wasn’t alone here. I mean in the flesh. I wish I knew local people who would say, “Molly everything is okay. You are not going to die. Things will get better. I’m sorry you’re sad.” People never say what you want them to say. That’s part of understanding the world, I think. You learn people cannot be you.
When I look at my arms, I see small brightly colored lines that used to be covered up by hair. I remember being 14 and desperately sharpening whatever I could to… you get the point. Deeper than I realized. Lots of things are deeper than I realize. I feel so silly sitting here in my favorite dress (this being the only one I own). I feel silly that I am so excited for this package that is incoming with the first brand spanking new clothes I’ve ever bought. But I am excited. I feel silly about anything I think people might not find suitable. I need to work on that. I am working on that, clearly, or I wouldn’t be writing this. Is the term irony poisoning? That’s how I feel. I feel like I hid my feelings behind this idea of masking my true self (in more ways than just gender) that I am working to uncover what is really there. I am not the person who works stocking shelves off a truck and who talks about sex with my coworkers. I am only pretending to be that person because I know that I need to fit in. It’s strategy. Realizing that it is strategy and not a reflection of my true self is important.
I read a thing today that made me think about my youth and the first time I came out as trans circa the age of 14. It was something like, “For a very young person discovering their identity, what is needed is not just acceptance, but tangible help.” Something like that. That’s what I lacked as a kid. My family was kinda like okay with it, but they weren’t willing to help. A lot of times that veered into not accepting my feelings, but the root of the issue was that I wasn’t able to get any of the help I desperately needed. I couldn’t be open about how I felt to anyone. I was isolated. I still am, but I have a lot of company in a lot of the ways that count.
Really low night. As a way of testing the waters of un-irony poisoning myself, I’ve been listening to affirmations. They’re kinda nice. It helps me get to sleep. Too much dark stuff, sometimes I want to hear some girl tell me I am a real girl and all that. Like some of the music I’ve been recommended is really dark and I like it a lot, but every Yin needs a Yang, right? Sometimes I just want to be reminded that I am deserving of anything at all. Tonight especially.
We Shall All Be Healed,
Molly
in and out of the shadows
April 15th, 2024
Hi friends. Today was okay. I’ve felt really antisocial lately. Like I just don’t wanna talk to anyone for most of the day, except for when I do. Like horrible loneliness right into wanting to never see the light of day. I’ve been thinking about HRT some. Mostly it’s insurance that is stopping me from getting it. I’m on my parents insurance so I could get it pretty cheap, but then they’re gonna get a paper that says their insurance was used at Planned Parenthood and I think that’s the worst possible situation I could put myself into right now. Maybe I should talk to my dad. But then he’s gonna talk to my mother. Then, she’s gonna talk to me and probably be really upset. Then again, I am a legal adult. I gotta get this move thing sorted out. When I’m living out of state, who gives a shit whether anyone approves of my actions? I’m so sad right now. I want things to be easy so bad and they just aren’t. It’s like I’m moving from one problem to the next. For a while it was not having a car/license. Now, this.
I keep telling myself to focus on the happy, that’s what I need to continue to do. Focus on the dream. Even leaving the house girlmode is so fucking tangible. Even if I leave at 1 in the morning and just drive around for a while. I remember once I played a house party on New Years and I remember as the ball dropped I sat in the corner of the backyard and practically prayed to whatever controls this world, “Please just make me someone.” I didn’t even acknowledge the trans thing then. It’s so fucking miserable. I’m so fucking miserable. I need to get my shit down because I feel like that’s the only way I can control all these feelings. No more hair, change my voice, try names. Fucking leave the house as a girl. Ugh. I’m sorry my tone of voice is so different from usual. I just feel really bad. I have therapy in like 4 days, I will feel better once I do that. Actually, that is probably a contributing factor to my feeling so bad right now.
The loneliness of this whole thing is bad enough I debated going to a fucking support group. I just feel like I need something. I’m gonna listen to affirmations and sleep now. I think being well rested is probably the first step to not feeling as bad tomorrow.
Love,
Molly
PS. One other thing since I’ve calmed down a little. Names. I like Molly but I was just reminded of what is possibly the best name I’ve ever seen someone have. Echo. It’s the name of Buddy Holly’s high school girlfriend. I was just thinking about it at work and was kinda struck by it. Cute name. Maybe I’ll sign off with it for a bit and see how I feel about it. This is the time for experimentation, isn’t it? Also I have to find something for the rest of my life, so I really ought to experiment.
Love,
Echo
entry of poor quality
April 18th, 2024
Hi friends. Feeling not great tonight. I talked to my old bassist. Asked if she wanted to do an open mic on Monday. She said yes. I don't even know why I asked. I just feel hurt, still. Really, really, hurt. I've been watching some old videos of us performing, too. It just makes me sad. I cried a lot at one of them. Some of the performances are almost like spiritually perfect to me at times. Like, we had this momentum that just kept going up and up and then it stopped. I guess it's hard when you meet someone and things go so well and you're so happy and then it hits you like a truck. I think after this performance, I'll call it a day with her. I need to just cut my losses for my own sake. I am far too emotionally invested in this duo thing. I'm just lonely. No local trans friends, anymore. No musical people. Just me and a vast empty.
I don't like the whole creative type thing much, anyway. Like, the way people treat me. It is an immense burden at times to be considered by some people to be a transcendentally good songwriter. I don't mean to sound egotistical, I'm just relating what other people say. It feels like people love the persona I put on, but not the person behind it. The sort of stage character I play isn't the one who writes the songs. It's especially weird when the songs are bordering on being explicitly about being trans. I dunno. People paying me attention is just weird as a whole, I guess.
One small tran update. I got a bra in the mail. It's the kind they give people who have had mastectomy's where they have a pocket for inserts. I dunno, seemed fun. It feels really like reassuring to own it. Half of my brain tells me I'm a weird sex pervert, though, so I gotta work on that part. Lots of new feelings. It's kinda started to where if I don't do something new or push some boundary gender-wise, I get really sad. The heroin addict metaphor I used like a month ago holds true. I dunno. Sorry if this is a shitty update. I am really not that sorry, but I feel like I should say it. I will write more about specific things at a later late.
Yours,
Echo (signs well!)
PS. I've lost a bunch of weight since like January. I can tell as my pants don't really fit anymore. I was significantly smaller like a year ago. I guess cause I've been walking all the time again since the breakup? I dunno, felt like mentioning it. Now you know. Sorry
site update and all that
April 20th, 2024
Hi friends. Long time, no see. As you can tell, I updated the site. It is no longer on blogger! I spent way longer than I probably needed making this site. I've had personal pages for almost a decade now, and this one is probably the least buggy, fucked up one I've ever made. The way the 88x31's at the bottom can be changed globally is kinda messed up, but I can pretty much just bodge it til it works. I'm really happy with this.
As for what's actually been going on in my life, not much has changed. I went to catholic mass with a friend. I remember we used to work together and everyone thought we were dating. I had a pretty big crush on her back then, so I guess I didn't mind. We saw eachother like every day til she got pretty badly addicted to pain pills. She is now clean off them, so we've seen eachother a lot. We talked for a good few hours in the parking lot. Lots of in depth talking about the past, which is always a good thing. I've also been talking to Maisie of this site. and her girlfriend Corin quite a bit. She offered me some testosterone blockers which I am debating accepting next time I visit them.
As for like general trans stuff. The bra came in the mail. I am really bashful about it, but it has a little pocket where these inserts go. It's really strange feeling something on my body that is not a part of my body. Good feeling, but will for sure take quite a bit of getting used to. My tax return is supposed to arrive eventually and I'll probably use that to get a girl top or 2. I have like 2 skirts but nothing to wear with them. It's a process.
I'm gonna keep it short. I don't really know when this new site is gonna get uploaded, but it'll be soon enough. I haven't finished the other pages I'm planning on making. I've been really sad, but making this has been making me happy.
Yours,
Echo
sleeping in car but not really
April 21st, 2024
Hi friends. Just writing a quick thing. Today was bad, things became explosive. Almost had to sleep in my car, snuck back in. I had this thought that I could just drive away. Never see this place again. Get hormones. Once I get a job lined up and a place to stay, I'm gone. I swear to you, I am gone. Never gonna be anyone's punching bag again. Well, maybe. Just wanted to write this so I feel less bad. Thanks for reading, friends.
Love,
Echo
dream i had last night
April 22nd, 2024
If you haven't gathered, yesterday wasn't a great day. Long story I will spare you the details of. I couldn't shave that night which sucked so I was very bearded. I pretty muych just went straight to bed when I was able to get back in the house around midnight. I recall putting something on to watch and then waking up at 1:30 or 2. After that, I had this bizarre dream. I was wearing that blue dress I've mentioned a few times on here that I stole from my ex's goodwill pile. I was walking around my area at home and I noticed a bunch of black dots all up and down my arm, mostly concentrated around my wrist. It looked like I had something sprayed all over me. Eventually, the dots became raised blisters like what you get when you get burned really badly. They were larger than those kind of blisters, though.
I recall I was walking up the stairs for some reason and I noticed there was something on the wall. I looked to my side and saw that the blisters had exploded and there was blood everywhere, pooled on the wall. I was terrified. I remember I walked the rest of the way up the stairs, forgetting I was wearing a dress. My family had company over, I remember the looks they gave me when they saw me. I was frantic yelling something about the blood everywhere. My stepmother said something to me like, "I see you're experimenting again." Weird. I woke up and it was morning.
I really can't say exactly what this dream was supposed to mean, do you all think dreams mean things? I guess I do. I've got a lot of feelings. I'm gonna go again. I've got that open mic tonight. I think my old bassist cancelled, so I will do it solo. Probably to be expected. She used her usual excuse that she had a busy week and was exhausted. Whatever. I don't want to play for an open mic crowd, but I will do it.
Love,
Echo
PS. Echo is an odd name. I feel like Molly signs better and immediately suggests WOMAN, but Echo is really nice. I dunno, these things take time, I suppose.
girlmode from the privacy of your own home
April 23rd, 2024
Hello friends. Good news. I found another bag of shit my ex left that was supposed to go to goodwill. Not my most morally proper move, but like whatever. Now I have 2 dresses instead of one and I own a single tanktop. Progress? Either way, I've been able to spend a lot more time girlmoding in private (I'm sure there's some braindead internet term for this but I don't give a shit), and I'm slowly improving. If I can get my face and hair to not be fucked up, I could probably leave the house. Not like go to Walmart leave the house, but like get in my car and drive around leave the house. Maybe meet with other trans people, but that's even a step I'm way to scared to take. The bra with inserts thing is really incredible. Like after some finagling (had to google how to spell this), I can look at my reflection in my interior window and sorta kinda be ok feeling. I am slowly losing weight which has helped and probably will keep helping. I feel really good. Like looking at myself or like running my hand on myself and feeling not like shit is a really new feeling. I know this is like a miserable thing and generally is a process of like grief and sadness in a lot of ways, but when it's nice it's really nice. I'm excited for the future.
I've been spending a lot of time with an old friend recently going around to Catholic churches and looking at the architecture and all that. It's really nice to have people to see. I've felt really bad the last few weeks, so I'm glad there's like a light at the end of the tunnel of being sad. At least for now, obviously there's always gonna be bad times or whatever. I dunno. I guess this is all I got. I'm nervous the quality of these entries has gone down. I'll write a long one soon.
Love,
Echo Whitesburg
busy week and weird body feelings
April 27th, 2024
Hi friends. It is me, Molly. You may remember me from the blog you’re currently reading. It’s been a busy week ish. I don’t remember when I wrote last. Not much has really happened, but I don’t wanna fall behind on writing. I had some bad days and some good days. Lots of performing and all that. It’s a really good distraction, but it can’t be a distraction all the time. I shaved a bunch today. Slowly getting into the swing of things. I neglected it for a while when I was really sad. Wearing my girl clothes has become more of a routine than a ritual as of late, too. Very much a casual thing I do whenever I can. The whole bra with inserts thing is still pretty strange, but it’s good strange. It’s very physical validation, I guess. And it makes my clothes look way nicer obviously. It ends up being around a B cup, which I think is around what I can expect if I’m lucky with HRT? I dunno, I don’t really think about the future that far ahead a lot.
I’ve been decorating my space lately. I have a little corner where I can write by the window. It’s really pretty nice. I’ve got some old concert photos and posters hung up as a reminder or whatever. It’s pretty strange to be regarded as a uniquely talented songwriter or whatever. I’ve had people come to me and like ask for advice. It’s really weird. I never can tell if I like that kind of thing. Attention is cool, but I think I’m happiest when I take up as little space as I possibly can. People are scary. Being open is scary. This is scary in that way, but I’ve really been trying to be ok at it. I gotta be more comfortable in my own head before I can be comfortable in my own skin. Anyways, bye now.
As Always,
Molly W.
encounter with bassist
April 30th, 2024
Hi friends. I saw my old bassist today at a gig. Apparently my ex and her new boyfriend were there too, but my bassist told them they should go. Just when I was coming to terms. Ugh. She has been cancelling on me since before I made this blog. Same excuse every time. I assumed she just wanted me to go fuck myself and was too chicken to tell me. I wish people were just ontologically evil, that would make life a lot easier. I actually had a moment where I said to myself, "I'm done. No more reaching out." Damnit. God fucking damnit.
She asked all about me. She saw I was clean shaven. She hugged me like 3 times. She did the thing where she turns her head into me. Why can't everything be easy. She asked to make plans, I'll see her Saturday. This is miserable. I wish I could wash my hands of everything. I went as far as finding another bassist for my album. Maybe people don't realize how much of a capacity they have to hurt other people. I'm so sad.
For Better (Or for much worse),
Molly